Motivation

In my high school football days, after one of us made a mental error it wasn't uncommon for one of our coaches to rip our chinstraps off, slap it against our helmets (causing a ringing effect) and scream, "You are an IDIOT!" It was all in the name of motivation. So for years, that became my technique to motivate myself (thank goodness at the time I wasn't in charge of motivating anyone else). I found I became quite good at calling myself an idiot. I also found I could do the "Nobody belives I can do it, but I'll show them" attitude. But instead moving closer to accomplishing my goal (running faster), I found I started to believe that I was indeed an idiot, not capable of performing well under pressure. That indeed, I couldn't do it (even though, well, nobody really cared enough to say I couldn't do it). As I grew up, I finally figured out that bringing down my self esteem wasn't going to drive me to my goals, only to depression.

I think of that in the midst of training for the Big Sur Marathon because this past Monday I took on a killer hill during a training run. I wasn't feeling my best as I climbed and began visualizing walking (not a good thing). That is one of those make or break moments I think. For me, years and years ago, it was a moment to get mad, to try to motivate myself using anger. But along the way I figured out that just doesn't work for me. Rather, it often led to failure (if not in the moment, down the line) that led to depression. On Monday, words popped into my head that made me feel better, "it's practice." That seemed to lift some of the weight from my shoulders. I might fail, but it didn't matter. I was doing this to get better, to improve. It wasn't a make or break, it wasn't a measure of me as a runner or a person. ... Well, it was painful, but I got up the hill without walking. It was a good and productive practice.

I get frustrated when I remember times I've beat myself up in the name of motivation, or when I'm witnessing someone else beating themselves up. A friend of mine was going through that recently. She was having trouble getting motivated to do anything (having lost her momenteum over the holidays). Yet, she was beating herself up about it, "I'm a lazy slug. I can't move. I'm no good. I'm worthless." You know the spiral. And I think, if we could just harnass the energy of that downward spiral and turn it, how easy it would be to snap out of these funks.

It would sure beat the snap of chinstrap across the helmet.

** 12 miles on Monday (often painful). Tuesday: the eliptical and lifting weights. My left achilles feels pretty sore (yep, I'm limping). I'm listening closely to my body. Injury would be a very bad thing.